Saboteur and the Sage

From Notes of sermon by Jim Marsh, Sep 8, 2019

Saboteur and the Sage ---

Psalm 139 -- this is a song of our true self. -­mom's knitting...so much god in her... --- getting to the true self...a true self that has existed before we were born.

In Japan, after WWII: discharging your loyal soldier...the war is over. you are needed here at home.

we are in need of discharging the loyal soldier within: things that have protected us all our lives...they have done their job, served their purpose. we need to honor them, and let them go. we need you as an elder now, not a soldier. your wars are over.

my sister's brain tumor...disruption. i was a good/quiet boy. very independent. my step mother told me that i learned to do things on my own, and that my mother was reminded by her friends that she had another child: me.

loss of my sister, Milly loss of my mom

i developed a team of loyal soldiers: the critic/judge, the people pleaser, the avoider, the controller, just to name a few... --- these are my saboteurs...rooted in a fear of the unknown. this archetype offers both positive and shadow aspects depending on how it manifests at any given time. --- it does not like change! though they have protected me, they also keep me from my best self.

when was the first time you thought "i'm not good enough?" --when did the innocence disappear for you?

i attended a small group therapy retreat a few weeks ago with a handful of people who i had not met. the leader did not release the topics we would be working on until we arrived: she introduced two archetypes: the saboteur and the sage.

before the retreat, i saw these selves of myself as grown men sitting

around my dining room table -------  after deep meditation, the table shifted:

no longer men...they were little boys. --- they sit on each of my sage leg's. --- and within that embrace, i see that boy in every person.

There's a nightmare in my closet -- Mercer Mayer

Rebecca Cox Jackson (1795-1871) was born into a free family in Pennsylvania. After a mystical encounter, she divorced her husband and became an itinerant preacher. She discovered the Shakers and eventually founded the first black Shaker community in Philadelphia. Jackson's spiritual awakening was catalyzed by what Joy Bostic describes as an "emotional and spiritual crisis" when Jackson faced her deep fear of lightning. Jackson wrote in her journal that, as she was praying in despair for the storm to end: "The cloud bursted, the heavens was clear, and the mountain was gone. . . . And I rose from my knees, ran down stairs, opened the door to let the lightning in the house." [1]

Psalm 139

The Inescapable God

To the leader. Of David. A Psalm.

1. O Lord, you have searched me and known me.
2. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away.
3. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.
4. Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely.
5. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.
7. Where can I go from your spirit?  Or where can I flee from your presence?
8. If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
     if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
9. If I take the wings of the morningand settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
10. even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast.
11. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,"
12. even the darkness is not dark to you;the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13. For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
    that I know very well.
15. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written
    all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.
17. How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18. I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end — I am still with you.
19. O that you would kill the wicked, O God,
    and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me—
20. those who speak of you maliciously,
    and lift themselves up against you for evil!
21. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22. I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.
23. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.
24. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.