April 18, 2010
Texts:
Acts 9:1-20
John 21:1-6
Psalm 30: v. 4-8
I’m going to start by re-reading the Psalm 30: v. 6-8:
Carefree as I was, I had said, I can never be shaken. But Lord, it was thy will to shake my mountain refuge, thou didst hide thy face, and I was struck with dismay. I called unto thee, O Lord, and I pleaded with thee, Lord, for mercy…”
The theme I see among these readings today is about openness to being in the moment with God. If I have a fixed idea about who I am, who God is, and what God wants from me, God appears like a demon to shake my mountain refuge. Is it God’s will that my refuge be shaken, or is that a by-product of my having a fixed idea of reality, and having my illusions shattered?
I’ve had many experiences that have felt like my “mountain refuge” was shaken, a few in the past couple of weeks:
--I am getting a divorce, and constantly I am being asked to let go and see things differently. On tax day, my husband asked me to pay more than what the accountant said was my share. I was angry, and all the past negatives came streaming into my mind. I said some things I regretted, and I hung up very angry, feeling self-righteous for about 2 seconds before I started to cry. In the past I would be able to do this and feel justified and self-righteous, but now I see the damage it does, to me, to him, to my daughter. I called a friend to talk it through. I realized that the amount he was asking for was not a lot. I called him back, apologized for blowing up and bringing up unrelated past issues, and agreed to pay it. I suggested that for the future we talk about paying the fee based on percentage of income. It was a very calm conversation. He said, thank you, I appreciate that. End of conversation.
My fixed ideas about my being “good” and him being “bad” have been shaken over the years. I realize a lot of things he has said or believed about me are true. I realize that a lot of things I have believed about him are untrue.
Next, I want to look more carefully at the story of Saul in today’s lectionary:
Chap 9:1-4:
Meanwhile Saul was still breathing murderous threats against the disciples of the Lord. He went to the High Priest and applied for letters to the synagogues at Damascus authorizing him to arrest anyone he found, men or women, who followed the new way, and bring them to Jerusalem. While he was still on the road and nearing Damascus, suddenly a light flashed from the sky all around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice saying, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?
Saul of Tarsus was a very strong believer. He truly believed in his cause, because he truly believed that God was leading him. Saul of Tarsus believed it was God’s will to get rid of Jesus’ disciples, because they were blasphemers.
Then Saul was struck down. His mountain refuge was SHAKEN. He tried to understand:
Acts 9:5-9:
“Tell me, Lord, he said, who you are.” The voice answered, ‘I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you have to do.” Meanwhile the men who were traveling with him stood speechless; they heard the voice but they could see no one. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could not see; so they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. He was blind for three days, and took no food or drink.”
So Saul heard a voice, but he still couldn’t SEE. He was confused. It would take him a while to recover from being shaken to the core, shaken from his mountain refuge.
I’ve been reading a book called Awareness by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest from India. He wants to shake us out of our fixed ideas, our mountain refuges. He’s very frank and funny—for instance, his take on “I’m ok, You’re ok” is “I’m an ass, You’re an ass”—i.e., not to expect that I or anyone else is going to be good or nice or wonderful—we all are essentially selfish. Some of us just have a more refined taste in selfishness. One kind of selfishness, he says, is giving myself the pleasure of pleasing myself. We all know what that kind of selfishness looks like. A second form of selfishness is, I give myself the pleasure of pleasing others. De Mello says “This is more dangerous, b/c we feel that we’re really great. The truth is, we are acting out of enlightened self-interest. We know it makes us feel good when we give.” (p 19-20). And then He goes on to say there’s a third kind of selfishness, that of doing good in order to not feel bad.
Fr. deMello is trying to get people to wake up. We all have a spiritual task of letting go of ego (our little self) and choosing to turn toward God as our only reality (aligned with our higher Self). Then I see things for what they are, not what I want them to be. This is essentially the message I see in the scripture.
When we wake up, we feel the pain of the illusions we’ve been holding onto. De Mello says, “Can you see how liberating that is? Hey, wake up! It’s liberating. It’s wonderful! Are you feeling depressed? Maybe you are. Isn’t it wonderful to
p32: “if you see through yourself, you’ll see through everyone; then you will love them…everyone, except the very rare awakened person, can be expected to be selfish and to seek his or her own self-interest, whether in a coarse or refined way. This leads you to see that there’s nothing to be disappointed about, nothing to be disillusioned about.”
So, back to the story of Saul.
Acts 9:10-14:
There was a disciple in Damascus named Ananias. He had a vision in which he heard the voice of the Lord: ‘Ananias!’ ‘Here I am, Lord, he answered. [So, Ananias had a vision, he was able to see and hear. He said, “Here I am Lord” (similar to Samuel’s story).] The Lord said to him, ‘Go at once to Straight Street, to the house of Judas, and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul. You will find him at prayer; he has had a vision of a man named Ananias coming in and laying his hands on him to restore his sight.” Ananias answered, ‘Lord, I have often heard about this man and all the harm he has done to your people in Jerusalem. And he is here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who invoke your name.’
Ananias was skeptical of what he was hearing —he questioned God. He engaged in dialog. So God told him more:
v.15-16:
But the Lord said to him, ‘You must go, for this man is my chosen instrument to bring my name before the nations and their kings, and before the people of Israel. I myself will show him all that the must go through for my name’s sake.’
Wow, what a message. NOW it could have been the community of Christians’ turn to be resistant or fixed in their ideas—this person who has been hunting us down is not only going to be one of us, but a chosen instrument to bring God’s name to the nations?
And then comes the next verse, “So Ananias went.” He was willing to do God’s will, even though he was skeptical. He was OPEN in the moment instead of having a fixed idea like Saul.
Acts 9:17-18:
So Ananias went. He entered the house, laid his hands on Saul and said, ‘Saul, my brother, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on your way here, has sent me to you so that you may recover your sight, and be filled with the Holy Spirit.’ And immediately it seemed that scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight.
So, Back to me: Another thing that’s shaken me from my mountain refuge: there have been several people who have expressed concerns about continuing the Prayer of Heart and Body. This is a worship format I have led for the last 4 years or so at 8th Day. I’ve been shaken. At first, I kept thinking, well it’s only 3 times per year! This is my call! This is what I am meant to be doing! What’s wrong with these people? Don’t you see that our bodies are a powerful resource for knowing and understanding God? I felt very justified in being hurt, and I wondered if 8th Day were the right place for me if I couldn’t offer my gift.
I had become too attached to the format. It was hard for me to see what was being said. A theme I see in my own stories seems to be one of attachment to people on whom I have depended in the past—I need to look at my attachment, to see where I’ve had expectations, and to realize that people will let me down if I have certain expectations. How can I truly love unconditionally, having no expectations, except for expecting God always to be with me? That’s what I see Fr. De Mello getting at—if I am attached to a fixed idea about a person, group, or behavior, I am not seeing reality in the moment, and God is always in the moment, in reality.
Jesus’ “contradictions” may only be contradictions b/c we are not open in the moment. JESUS WAS. He rec’d Mary Magdalene bathing his feet with her hair, soaked in perfume. He didn’t deny Mary of Magdela that pleasure nor did he deny it for himself. In that moment, it was appropriate. Jesus said things to shake up people’s ideas of right and wrong. He broke rules (bugging the Pharisees). He wasn’t radical enough (for the Zealots). He wasn’t self-denying or frugal enough for people who thought it was a waste of money to spend on perfume instead of feeding the poor.
Reminds me of my first job, as a camp counselor at the Jubilee buildings: I was right out of college, and I felt virtuous that I made so little money. I thought they’d like me to deny myself, make such little $. No, they wanted more $! They needed more $! And what they liked and wanted from me was my singing.
The last scripture is the Gospel reading:
Sometime later, Jesus showed himself to the disciples once again. Simon Peter said to his fellow disciples, ‘I am going out fishing.’ ‘We will go with you, said the others. So they got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Morning came and there stood Jesus on the beach, but the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. He called out to them, ‘Friends, have you caught anything?’ They answered ‘No.’ He said, ‘Shoot the net to starboard, and you will make a catch.’ They did so, and found they could not haul the net aboard , there were so many fish.’
So, they Listen to Jesus: FISH! Same lake, on their own: NO FISH! Just turning around, going to the other side of the boat, they got another perspective, God’s perspective.
I’m thinking about the 12 steps here, the 12 steps of AA, that have been adapted to give help for many other addictions.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable. I’m in a corner. I feel completely defeated and overwhelmed. My fixed ideas aren’t working. My attachments have disillusioned me and let me down. But in Admitting this, as the disciples did by saying “No, we didn’t catch any fish,” we are putting a limit on the pain, the despair. A circle is formed to Contain our problem. We are struck down like Saul, and we can’t get up, but we KNOW we can’t, and that’s a good first step.
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity. I’m still facing the corner, but somehow I know there’s something more than myself here, I’m struck down, and I can’t see, but I hear a voice, and I’m listening now.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. THIS IS THE ACTION STEP. I’m going out into the boat to fish again, this time I’m listening, and I’m going to put the net HERE, not over there where there’s no fish, no nourishment.
I’m TURNING AROUND (the Greek word Metanoia, which means repent or turn around) to do something different. I’m seeing things with God’s eyes, right in the moment. I’m letting go of my fixed beliefs and habitual behaviors, I’m WILLING to be here, right here, right now, and be AWARE and SEE.
And my ACTIONS will reflect my risk to chuck my fixed ideas and do something really radical, like Ananias did by listening to God, going to Saul helping him see, so that Saul could become the greatest spreader of God’s reality in the world.
So, I’m going to put out a few questions for you to meditate on, then I’m going to sing a song, called Damascus Road. [It’s a song I helped record in college, the first time I took part in recording music. ] But first I’ll put out these questions:
Questions for the end:
What are my fixed ideas?
What are my attachments that keep me from turning toward god’s voice and really seeing?
What has shaken my mountain refuge?
What is God asking me to hear and see and DO in the moment?
What person or group am I being called to reach out to, whom I see as “wrong”: mainstream Christians, or rich people, or pleasure-seekers, or selfish gas guzzling earth-destroyers? What would happen if I reached out to them with the message, hey, I’m an ass, You’re an ass, we’re all equal here, I’m no better than you. But GOD, in this very moment, is calling you and me to a NEW THING. Let’s do it together. AMEN.